"hey darling, gud mrng!! <3<3....!!
c the beautiful sunrise and the smiling sun who is waiting for u to wake up,
baby...may this mrng brings u new hopes and immense happiness....Love u....muaahhhhh.....:*..."
This was the usual message which I used to receive everyday at the time of dawn. This was his message which I read and reread and again reread. By now, I have learnt every single word and every style in which it was written. Yes, I was so addicted to him that even after he went far away from me his sweet messages were still the part of my life. There were some more viscous lie from him and which I have kept them safely and as I could not hold back the flooding impulses, I read them umpteen times to just have the feeling of anticipation or the feeling which can satiate my heart.
Sometimes, I feel the best part of nature is that nobody has the power to erase his or her memories from a person's life when he/she moves out or in more crystal clear words "leaves them".
This pain of the memory bites up into me like the lash of a whip, the images that were painted in my head gives me some serious jitters, his laughter rumbled against my ears. His beautiful serene voice out of nowhere just comes and brushes my ears. My stomach churns up sore and empty, my head is always arched with worry, loneliness use to get choked in my throat. This agony crawls in my heart slowly and makes me think that why couldn't I crumble down into pieces. I feel as if my heart is hitched a little bit due to these continuous jabbing of the afflictions. I was like a lost moon- my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic disaster, movie scenario of desolation- that continued, nevertheless to circle in a tight little bottle orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.....!! I got a feeling that have I turned masochistic- developed a taste for torture?....
I remember I used to talk to him the whole night. I could see the sun rising from the window of my room. I woke up with him. This aura of love which I was experiencing was snatched away by my destiny. He went away and not only he made me sad but he also took my life with him. It seems as if I am living my life just for the sake of living.
I became an empty shell. Like a vacant house-condemned for months, I'd had been utterly inhabitable. It's like when you think of somebody and if that hurts-its just breaking into pieces-it's like you cannot breathe-like your heart is chained and is unable to pump -like your veins stop receiving your blood.
Oh! Lord would I ever get through this....? Would I ever be happy again?
The reminiscences of the past bring back the tears in my eyes. The waterworks starts accelerating whenever I think of him. I just could not resist to compel him to come back to me. I used to message him at frequent intervals, sometimes even call him. Though he used to always answer my calls and entertain my messages but his answers were vague, uninterested, detached, distracted, unconcerned and inadvertent. Seeing his behaviour towards me which was once so polite, full of love and affectionate the waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under. The phantom scars of his words haunt me in my unremembered dreams.
And I used to wake up, hurt...
But I'll never know why...!!
His words honks in my head and made me a damsel in distress...
" I knw I m wrong,I shudn't hve toked with u for hours or even chatted with u 24*7 but now i m helpless. I knw m hurting u and we were more than frndz bt now i can only b a frnd"
His these words pierce inside me as splinters of ice which were intending to tear me apart. I see my death approaching and I see her laughing raucously at me as she turns away seeing me tormented. He made my life a living hell. I was bewildered at the thought of questioning God as to why he sent me a punishment like him... He was the one who did wrong then why should I bear all the pain as I see him laughing and enjoying his life from his Facebook posts and WhatsApp statuses. I was loyal to him and I have completed all the criteria of being a girlfriend or his closest friend (as he terms this friendship).Then why am I suffering? Why on earth I have to struggle to live "each day". Why not him? He was not even thinking about me. He didn't even care to see me that how was I coping with this separation. He claimed that he can be my friend so I think friends are suppose to care that much. But no, he didn't look back.
My mind was plagued by his thoughts. I used to twist and turn the whole night on my bed as sleep has evaded me....!!! I forfeited any desire to live...I used to fear from the mornings. The bright light of the sun used to hurt my eyes.
I do not know why I was still running after him. My hopes were dwindling as the days passed. Still, there were some traces of hope left which were like getting a rain in the sultry afternoon, like a flower blossoming in the desert, like a peacock dancing with joy without any showers of rain. I was imagining my beautiful days spent with him. I was missing my happiness the most which was due to him. I remembered the way he cared for me. I was yearning to have him back the way he was back then. I could see me laughing and cheering at his return. I could see me forgiving everything for what he did and loving him back the way I used too. Yes, I was fantasizing our meeting and our hugging the way we once did in that beautiful early morning.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks as my heart knew that this is never gonna happen. My heart was crying along with me as it knew that I was being stupid and silly again.
I was wool-gathering with this vivid imagination of getting him back in my life.
Suddenly my brother's voice yanked me back from my reverie.
His divine voice "didi kyu ro rhi ho, mat ro...kisne tumko maara ....btao me maar k aata hu abhi...me bournvita pita hu bht taakat hai mjhme....". This made me feel that we all have a family with us. And no doubt, we love them too Then why an outsider which is in no connection with our family can influence us in such a devastating manner. That person has the power to break us, commit suicide, committing heinous crimes and what not. Why all this crap happens with everybody who is in love with some one? Seriously I do not have any answers to these questions which are right now popping in my head but a new thought splashed in my mind that-
truly, love gives someone the power to break you and when you love someone irrevocably, you lay your heart open, giving them a part of yourself only they can hurt, like literally handing them a knife and a map of your heart.
BUT TIME PASSES. Even when it seems impossible. Even each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging bulls, but pass it does.
Even for me.....!!!!!