Still Something is Missing
Even in my wildest imaginings I had not seen foreseen that he will come back to me. Yes, the person I loved came back to me. The person who humiliated me, who literally abused my love, mocked my tears and left me shattered.
He was the light of my life. His coming back seemed that the light tore apart the darkness in my life and came back rushing through the dark alleys of this gloom. My stabbed heart was sent to renovation. I still had tears in my eyes which were now dry. I wasn't happy but was also not sad. This wouldn't be the first time he’s gone a little overboard trying to apologize for his deeds. His apology rendered me speechless and it left me in a state of utter confusion. I feel a wave of unease that washes over me. Every time it came in my mind that perhaps it’s best to back away now with whatever self esteem I have reasonably intact until now. Forgiving him and starting our friendship again gave me an illusion of Icarus flying too close to the sun and crashing and burning as a result. I clearly know that he doesn't love me and maybe I am just his obsession or maybe he just needs a time pass. The whole grief which I have buried inside my heart is coming to the surface.
I have an overwhelming urge to cry; a sad and lonely melancholy grip and tightens around my heart. Dashing back to my bedroom, I close the door and lean against it, trying to rationalize my feelings. I can’t. Sliding to the floor, I put my head in my hands as tears begin to flow. My heart contracts painfully in my chest. I was mentally begging him with every fiber of my being to stay with me forever and my heart which knew the truth told me to run away from him. There was a fight between my heart and mind. It is really hard for me to let go of the things. I love him and I couldn't live without him. My mind is suddenly paralyzed with apprehension. I feel so helpless because of these unarticulated hopes, these unbidden and unwelcome tears, this nonsensical pain, soured expectations and dashed hopes. I remembered his tantalizing promises of love. I really cannot come to a conclusion that whether I should forgive him and start our “friendship” again or I shall forget him and delete him out of my memories.
I knew I cannot delete him from my memories. There will be a deep pain buried inside my heart for lifelong.
He says that I should forget everything of the past and start afresh. I wish he could understand the pain which I have gone through. Those tormenting nights and dull evenings which were spent in his absence. These memories are etched in my mind. My wounds are not ready to heal at this stage. "They" say that the wounds which are ones in the heart are the tricky ones and are difficult to heal. There are no ointments to heal it and there are times when they never heal. The only that can really heal the wounds of a heart is love. Love, which he doesn’t know how to express or he is confused about his love for me. Inside my subconscious is screaming “He doesn’t love you. You are a fool to run after him. He is using you.” I slap it down instantly, mortified that my psyche is having ideas way out of this situation.
I actually have to think that what should I do? I clearly know that he cannot meet my expectations. I am bound to get disturbed when I will see my expectations are murdered by him again. Owing to these conditions I will lose my sanity and dissatisfaction will have my wits affected. The result will be again the same. Our “friendship” will turn sour. At every stage, I need to take my fragile, wounded heart away and somehow nurse it back to health. The thing is that I really need him in my life. He is a vital part of my life which is really necessary to sustain my life on earth. But for him, I am………… Gosh!! I really I do not know what I am for him. He never told me that what I mean in his life. I presume that I do not mean anything. It hurts. It badly hurts when a person realizes that he/she is not needed by anybody. Yes, I know presumptions are really not the truth and sometimes they can mislead. But what should I do when I do not have answers for these questions.
Answering several questions and seeing my condition without him I decided to give this friendship a chance. We took it very slow. Just like two strangers converse about unreasonable things we started chatting again. I took a chance asking all sorts of questions like why did he left without any explanation and all of a sudden why did he came back? His answers were vague, incomplete, non-answer, detached and inconsiderate. I cannot even expect a truthful answer from his side. I assumed he is too confused himself to answer my questions and I could only shake my head as if to clear them. And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain-probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells-comes the thought: “he’s just using you”. I dismissed it immediately. This idea is preposterous and I kicked it out of my mind. I shake my head to gather my wits. Even if I want to forget everything and start afresh his reactions always brings back the familiar pain. I wince at those memories but haplessly I can only writhe in pain and stand quite after awhile. I am a like a bird which is caged, a victim who is gagged and a slave who has no aspirations of my own.
I tried to accept everything and moved with a strong and an emotionally stable heart. I understood the fact that if I have to make this work then it is me who has to put up a strong attitude and accept that he cannot be mine ever. It is just me who needs him so badly that I am ready to face this misery. Sometimes, it is really hard to let go. I cried but yes I cannot leave him. I really do not know what was he thinking and how is he taking this all and I couldn't even ask him because he never answers me. I have to accept this also.
Well, I moved with the flow of life. Our friendship became strong again. Some vital gaps were filled by his humour, his consolation and his "love". I started laughing again like a carefree girl. My heart was happy again.
But still there was something missing. The smile which I wore was an artificial one. I know he is a lost cause. It is a dull disappointing reality that he is not mine and can never be. Still my scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might ever acknowledge me.
With a heavy heart I lumbered into my room and wept the whole night. This is what I can do in such a situation where my heart is ready to be a victim to his lies and is ready to be his submissive where he is the dominant. He holds my life according to his will. He can order me in any way he wants and I have to live according to him catering to his every need.